Sunday, April 18, 2010

A threesome of athletic events

I go to the gym. My gym offers all sorts of activities to keep things fresh. One such thing is an annual triathlon.

TENTH ANNUAL TRIATHLON, the huge poster near the front desk announces. SIGN UP TODAY!

Hmmmm, maybe I will. I've never done a triathlon. Not even a biathlon. In fact I'm not sure if my athletic activity that I do, in fact, do even counts as an uniathlon (monoathlon?). Mostly it's just roller skating.

But I go for it anyway. Why not? Gotta shoot for the stars. Can't hit a home run without swinging the bat, right? Problem is, baseball is not one of the events in the triathlon, so I've just created a mixed metaphor.

Anyway, today I finished my first triathlon. I am officially a triathlete.

Granted, my gym's triathlon is noncompetitive. I don't have to go a certain distance; I just have to do this activity for a certain length of time (30 minutes each) at whatever pace I want.

The pace I want to do is my personal best, of course. So, since I've never done ANY real athletic swimming, I've been practicing my swimming at the gym these past weeks to prepare. It's hard for me to run, so I'm making 30 minutes on the treadmill my middle event. The half-hour bike ride is my home stretch event.

Besides getting a free triathlon t-shirt, you also get to sign up for a team to join. One of the teams is the Not A Team. People who are doing the triathlon without a group, as individuals. That's me. Of course!

So I decide to show up early and start my triathlon before the hustle and bustle of the triathlon starts. Get in the zone. Take my laps in the pool. Swimming is hard. I go for the backstroke. And wouldn't you know it, I beat my personal best. 35 laps in 30 minutes. Feeling good, I head onto the dreaded treadmill. Also known as: the treaded dreadmill.

My ankle still does not act kindly to long runs, so I do circuits of running and brisk walking on the treadmill. I'm surprised how it flies by...I credit this to my foresight of bringing earbuds with me to the gym. Each treadmill has its own TV and earbud jack. While I'm running, I'm jogging along to an inspirational message to Joel Osteen, and then it's a cable network interview with Dee Snider (my hero).

While I'm on the treadmill I see the madness of the triathlon unfold with the other teams. Everyone on the same team shares one lane in the pool. So you have 8 people "swimming" in one pool lane. Impossible task, as the people who try to swim have to crawl or walk the lane of the 4-foot deep pool. People are getting splashed and kicked in the face by their teammates. Oh it really made me smile.

I am pretty beat physically after my second event but am pumped to be going into the final third: the stationary bike ride. Unfortunately, riding a stationary bike in the gym is kinda boring. This half hour seemed like 5 hours. I kept it together though. I turned on VH1, who was showing Transform Me. It's the show were a bunch of post-operative transexual women offer makeover advice to ladies stuck in some sort of rut.

Perfect. More TV to inspire me, huh. I got my second wind in those final triathlon minutes. Victory for Catherine! Now, time to celebrate in the post-triathlon barbecue. OM NOM NOM free pasta salad.

In fact, it seems like the barbecue -- the "unofficial fourth event" as my gym calls it -- was the event my fellow triathletes took the most seriously. I mean, the guy next to me during the bike portion was talking to himself and using the bike seat as a chair as opposed to an instrument to expend calories and perform exercises on. Eh, whatever. I was one of the hardcore ones, apparently. Which tells you a lot, no?

To summarize, if see a non-competitive triathlon, do it. It might be easier than you think. Don't do it with a team because those guys are just going to put their feet in your face or distract you when you are on the treadmill. Do the pool event first, so you can blow out your arm muscles -- the muscles you don't use running or biking.

And don't forget to give yourself a high five. You are made of WIN!

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